my testimony

I debated on if I should put this on here or not--but this is my testimony that I shared with my church family this morning during my Stewardship speech. It's written close to how I speak it, so there are some grammer errors, pauses, etc.
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I'm going to tell you about how I came about to stand up here before you this morning. We got home one evening and there was this message from Rob on the answering machine. We're all in the kitchen listening to Rob requesting that one of us speak about Stewardship and my reaction was "yeah, right, like that's gonna happen." Because I've found that people give you one of two looks when you start to talk about money or giving money—panic or pity. It's the same looks that I've found I've gotten this past year when I discuss loss due to death, from Austin’s death, and the grief that has followed. Except with close friends or family—I've found I can talk freely with friends and family without those looks and not get panic or pity but a realness. And you are all family. I know you were all with us when we were not even here. I know you grieve for us and support us even now. But even knowing that you are all family and supportive, I don't like giving speeches. I'll teach classes, speak before Board of Directors, hold cross country conference calls once a week but that's work. So I had completely made up my mind that I was not going to talk, even with my church family, about giving money. Then I saw Rob at church that Sunday and before Rob could even say "hello" out of my mouth came "Hey Rob, got your message last night I'd love to give my testimony." WHAT??!! And right then I realized that God with his gentle love, was again reminding me that I have another very important job—that requires giving my testimony every once in a while.

So the last few weeks I've been trying to figure out what I am going to say. And I had asked Rob for clarification and he had given me a few questions to answer. And it seemed like it was going to be pretty easy. Then he emails me and tells me this year's theme. I panicked. It seemed much harder. Because when I heard the theme, How does my giving reflect my love of God? I began to wonder. Hmmm . . . does it? Because generally you are told that 10% tithe is what you should give, but is that net, is that gross, does anyone really give that, do people give more, do people give less, does anyone else know? Does that include your volunteer time, money to different missions of the church also, etc, etc, etc. But when I stop with all those questions and focus on the one real question. My answer is Yes. This is how.

I began my defining "What is love?” So I looked it up in Danielle's Children's dictionary and it defines love as "to like something very much." Well . . . yes you generally do like something very much. But there are days that I don't like something (like giving speeches) but I still love something (my real job, being a Christian). So I thought a lot about how we learn love. When we are born, we are completely trusting and needy. How we relate to people and learn to love starts at the very beginning and shapes everything around us. I was loved by my parents, some close friends and I knew that—sorta. We all have issues with our loved ones I know and now as an adult, I understand that most of us are just trying to do our very best. But I was without God and a very lost girl. I was sinful. I made some very bad choices. I regretted a lot for a VERY long time. I moved to Texas to try and leave all that behind. Then I spent years afraid and embarrassed. All of that lead to a large part of my life not being able to trust and fearful. I needed to be able to control everything. Then one day, I let go. And I made the best decision of my life and trusted God enough to let him into my life. Truly in. Not just a Christmas time feel good into my life way but really in..

Now I still had a lot of fear; I have made some really bad choices in life. I was terrified up to and including the morning I was baptized here three years ago, on 9/14/03. But what I've learned is, to trust God. And for me, the highest characteristic of love is trust. There are other important characteristics—support, happiness, etc—but the most important of these is trust. That is what gets me through all the hard things; it's how the things in my life shaped my definition of love. Since I've let God guide me, I've been through a lot of things—not all easy and happy—how Disney would define love—but real things that make a LIFE. I've been through meeting Trey, marrying Trey, a miscarriage, new jobs, travel, Danielle, a layoff, Austin's death—but through it all I trust God. And I love God.

One of the best choices I made was to become a baptized Christian and member of Crestview UMC. When I took that vow, I put my trust in His grace. And I vowed to be here with my prayers, presence, service and gifts. This is the only time when the gifts we give are with absolute certainty. When I give my offering, I know it reflects my love of God. No other thing that you give money for is as certain. It can all be gone in a second. But not God. He has been with me, is with me right now and always will be there in my future. So what I ask is that you carefully consider your giving this year. Thank you.